Alone

Amazingly, I got to church about ten minutes before service started.  This was amazing because I had spent most of my "getting ready for church" time having a "good morning" conversation on the phone with my mom.  I had rushed myself and rushed the girls and rushed to church.

I sat in a row close to the front.  It was completely empty.  People chatted as they started to fill in the seats.  I just sat there, with no one else in my row.  I stared off toward the stage and a very unwelcomed thought entered my head.  

I am alone.  This is how it is.  This is how it will be.  I am alone.

I knew a friend would be coming soon to sit with me, but the thought lingered, and tried to bring me down.  Church hadn't even started yet, and I was being pulled away.

Realizing this, I suddenly had the will to fight back. 

I am not alone. God is here.  He is always here.  He is always with me. Always.  I will never be alone.  I will never, ever be alone.


I was filled with peace and I sat there letting that realization sink in to the depths of my soul.  And then, a few minutes later, my friend showed up, exactly when she was meant to.


***
I haven't written about it, but to make a long story short, my husband had an affair on deployment, and is choosing to leave our family for her.  This has been my deepest valley, and my biggest spiritual battle ever.  And it's not over... it won't be for a very, very long time.

Independence Day

Good friends of mine invited the three of us over for dinner:  normal 4th of July fare - hot dogs and such.  I took our veggie dogs and vegan buns, some potato salad that I whipped up, and chips.  As we were leaving, it was starting to thunder.  Miss Dainty immediately started getting upset, not due to fear, but due to disappointment when I told her the fireworks might be canceled if it stormed.  It rained throughout dinner and then tapered off. 

We waited until the last possible minute before heading to the nearby town that we were going to see the fireworks in.  It was still raining somewhat, and I think all of us adults seriously doubted there would be a show.  But the kids crossed their fingers, and sure enough after waiting a while and after watching lots of people leave, the fireworks did indeed start.  Miss Dainty was ecstatic.  It was a great show, too.  There were several times when we were certain the finale was going, and started to cheer and holler, only to have fireworks start going off again!  I think we ended up with 6 "finales!"  It was quite funny.  The kids loved it.  We had a great time.  =)

Tortillas

Sometimes, I miss home.  A lot.  But not just home, not just my family, but simply, how it used to be.  When this hits... I make tortillas.  And of course, my tortillas don't come out nearly as round as my grandma's, but the girls don't mind.  They love making their own, too, the way I used to when I was a kid.

The best part is for about an hour while I work on dinner, I can picture my grandma's hands kneading the tortilla dough; I can smell my great grandma's kitchen; I can hear my mom's and my sister's laughs as we all chatted at the table; I feel connected.  Just for a little while.

Summer Learning

I can't tell you how many people have asked me, "So are you done with school this year?" (curriculum wise.)
0_o
hehe I never know what to say...
We unschool.
My children never stop learning.  Miss Dainty honestly doesn't realize that there is a time for no "school."  She is constantly asking for it.

We've done so much this summer already.  I'll try to do some posts soon, but today was fun... (well, after a rough, emotional start for me, but.. ah, well... at least it ended good!) And we didn't even go anywhere, really.

After the rough start, I took some quiet time devoted to prayer, and came back downstairs to restart our day.  We ended up painting our nails, watching a few cartoons, painting during Baby D's nap, bike riding, and playing with playdough! 

With the playdough, I sneaked in some learning, introducing Baby D to AB patterns and Miss Dainty to alliteration:  Playdough Penguins Parading Past Paisley Print.  This launched "The Alliteration Game."  We gave each other consonants, and we had to make sentences using that letter.  Quite challenging for a 6 year old's vocabulary, but she did great, and we had a ton of fun. 

I love days like today!  Thankfully, God is helping me hold it together for my girls.  =)

Eviction Notice

Recently, I have realized that I have merely been renting this current life, and apparently, my lease is almost up.  Perhaps, it's always been month to month, and I was just clueless... 
As the day draws nearer, I wonder what direction my life will take next. 

And I wonder how grueling the eviction process will be.

Such a great weekend

A Heartfelt Thanks

Thank you, my friends, for all the support through comments, emails, and prayers.  You have no idea how much they truly mean to me.

I wrote this in an email today:
"ha, nothing scares me anymore."

It felt amazing to write that.  I won't go into all the details of what's been going on, although a few of you do know, but I will say that I've recently discovered how much my self-worth was tied up in certain people and past experiences that were undeserving of defining me.  

I am truly beginning to experience my God given freedom in Jesus.  The emotional release is simply amazing.  His burden truly is light.  I have nothing and no one to fear.  And I have an unconditional forever love waiting for the taking.  God is so good.

blah

I haven't blogged in a while. Lots of stuff has happened. Not good stuff. =(

my wish list

• answers
• solutions
• a mental vacation
• a magic pill to fix the hurt
• complete faith

Bubbles and Wishes

Today, the temperature was in the mid eighties!  I had thought about taking the girls to the beach for a fun afternoon, but when Miss Dainty woke up in the middle of last night with a sore throat... well, I figured the trip wasn't meant to be.  I decided I had a lot to do to get ready for our upcoming trip to Texas anyhow.  So we stayed home.  At the end of the day, I had gotten a little bit done, but not nearly as much as I should have...  Miss Dainty somehow convinced me to head outside:

Making Homes

This morning we were up early for a servant evangelism project that went really well.  It was chilly though, so we came home right after.  Baby D took a very early nap, which I expected since she woke up at 6 AM this morning.  After nap and lunch, Miss Dainty had the idea of building a home for her bear, and of course Baby D wanted to join in on the fun.  It was such an easy and simple project.  I was tempted to break out the scrapbooking paper and scrap fabric to really decorate them, but knew that would be a little too much for them.  So, we just used markers to draw what they wanted: a bed, tv, couch, and fridge in Baby D's house (apparently that's what she deems most important.) 

It was so cute to watch them play with the makeshift houses.  I cannot wait to give Miss Dainty her birthday present.  I have a dollhouse that I had bought for Christmas, but ended up not giving it to her due to her very last minute letter to Santa asking for a skateboard.  So, I ended up saving the dollhouse.  And now I think her birthday will be the perfect time to give it to her, not just that she will enjoy it more, but also that Baby D understands enough to be able to play with her, I think.  It's amazing how much difference a half a year can make. 

Miss Dainty's birthday party will be delayed anyhow, by her choice.  She told me, "I wish my birthday wasn't in May, I wish it was later."  And when I asked her why, she said, "So Daddy could come to my party."  *my heart broke!*  So we talked about postponing her party until Daddy would be home, and she very excitedly agreed to the plan.  I promised to take her to dinner and make cupcakes for her actual birthday, though.  =)  She's such a sweetheart.

I can't wait to decorate the dollhouse with her, though.  But... guess I'll have to. =)

Stamping Cards

Last night, I stamped a few cards to send in Mr. Hubs' next care package for him to write in and send back to the girls.  This was the first time I've brought out any stamps at all in... I don't know how long.  When I was going to bed (late!) I decided I'd leave the stamps out for the girls to play around with in the morning.  Of course, they were so excited when they saw everything out when they came downstairs.  Baby D kept trying to stamp on the paper without ink and was getting so frustrated that she wasn't leaving a mark!  It was so hard not to laugh when I was trying to tell her to be patient.  They could barely wait until after breakfast.  After I managed to get them to eat, I let them have at it.  Miss Dainty chose to make several cards for her penpals and already wrote notes in them. (I was quite impressed with her enthusiasm about writing!)  They both really enjoyed stamping.  I should bring all this stuff out more often.  =)

Sick...

Baby D came down with a head cold Saturday, although I didn't figure it out until I started feeling symptoms myself on Sunday night.  Until then, I thought she had just had allergies.  So, we've been trying to get over it since then. 

Today, I'm feeling better except for a headache that comes and goes from the sinus pressure.  Apparently, in my house, "Please be quieter, I have a headache," really means: "Yes, I want to hear all of our loudest toys at once!  Please play them!"

Needless to say, I sent them upstairs to play.  At least Baby D is feeling better.  =)

My First Rav Swap - What I sent

This is what I sent my swap partner about a month ago.  The theme was books, comics, and graphic novels.  I read my swapee's  favorite book:  The Dispossessed, and tried to base the swap off of it.  The orange washcloths represent an orange blanket that the main character had.  I had quotes from the book on all the bookmarks to correspond with the handmades, also.  The e-book cover was fun to make.  I had to adjust the pattern because it was originally for a kindle, and my partner had a sony e-reader smaller in size.  It was a challenge at first, being my first attempt at a lace pattern.  I really like how it came out though.  I want to make one for my kindle, too.  The stitch markers were my very first attempt at making stitch markers!  It was a lot of fun.  Working with the polymer clay was a little challenging for me, too, since I rarely ever do it.  I love how the little books came out.  (Of course I made a few extra for myself!)  I found some yarn in her favorite colors:  Panda Cotton for socks, and some Sugar'n Cream for washcloths.  I had a lot of fun putting this swap together.  =)

Visit to the Pond

This morning we took a much needed trip to the library.  It's one of our favorite places to go.  I love that the kids love it as much as I do.  After story hour and stocking up on books, we headed home for lunch.

Later, the sun beckoned us outside.  There was still a slight cool breeze outside, but the sun was warm, so we took a walk down to the pond.  We fed the duck.  (We were hoping there would be more, but alas only one was around, and he turned out to not be too hungry.)  We saw our first redwinged blackbird!  What's so neat is that Miss Dainty recognized the call before we even sighted the bird.  She couldn't recall which bird it was, but knew the call from her bird book.  How cool is that?  We walked along the bank and watched some turtles sunbathing before accidentally startling them into the water.  Then we tried to feed them, too, but they also weren't hungry.  So we sat and pretended to be turtles soaking up the warm sun.  The girls loved it.  Eventually, we headed over to the playground. 

Such a great way to start the day.  Notice their shawls?  =)  We received a box in the mail yesterday from Mr Hubs.  The shawls were made in Turkey.  They've been wearing them nonstop.  They were so excited to get something from him. 

Baby D's Eloise

I finished Baby D's cardigan!  Last week, actually, but I still need to add a button to the top.  Not that she minds.  She's even had the chance to wear it this week since it got freakishly cold again.  I'm happy that I made it a size up so she can have it for next year.  This pattern (Eloise Eyelet Cardi on Ravelry) was a super easy introduction to sweaters.  I learned the mattress stitch finally!  The only part I had problems with was seaming the armpits.  Wasn't quite sure how to do it and make it look nice, but for the most part you can't tell when it's on.  =)  Loved this pattern.  I'm thinking my nieces might be getting one for Christmas this year.

Wordless Wednesday

Something good.

This afternoon, I needed to focus on something good, and just be in the present moment with my girls.  So, I helped them each make a new batch of playdough.  They loved being allowed to "cook" the playdough (they did the mixing before I heated it in the pot.)  They loved picking the color.  And of course, playing with new playdough is awesome.

They loved it, and so did I.

Update

Thanks to all my friends and family who responded to my last post or who are praying for my family back home.  I truly appreciate everything.  After a very long conversation with my mom the other night, I'm dealing much better with it all.  Although, it is still a very sad and horrible situation, my heart and prayers go out to my family back home.  I miss them very much.

sad, sad world

I got horrible news today concerning family back home...
and my heart is heavy...
I've had moments this evening when sadness feels like it might take over
and I have to think of something else
because I do not have the option of allowing it to.